I am in a state that is … how can I put it? … Non-existent.
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Nonexistent because ….
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I would rather say nothing. Let’s work.
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*
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(Later, after the work:)<\/i>
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<\/p>\n
All kinds of things are coming up from the subconscient. We seem to be constantly descending instead of ascending.<\/i><\/p>\n
Oh, the subconscient! Every night it’s a real invasion of things that are so … the WHOLE subconscient keeps coming up, coming up, coming up – not just mine but everybody’s. There seems to be no end to it.
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But now I have the knack of forgetting – I just forget. Because when I used to remember, I had to fight for entire days. So as soon as I wake up, I erase it right away: go away! Gone!
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But all night long I am fully conscious of a lot of things – they can’t be called trivial, but…. Oh, it’s as though everything that can comes to tell me: ‘You think there will be a supramental transformation? Well then, just look: there is this and that and that and this, this one and that one, this circumstance, that thing, the world, people, things….’ Oh, a deluge!
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Page165<\/font><\/p>\n And in the evening before going to sleep I read the Vedas, which aggravates the situation. Because those people remember – either they have heard of it, or they remember it themselves – a supramental realization; and they describe it all so beautifully that it makes you feel very far from it, so very, very far…. After that, I spend hours concentrated in prayer – not exactly ‘prayer’ but … (gesture palms turned upwards), <\/i>like that, beseeching. What has been achieved now is that I am absolutely detached from EVERYTHING. From everything, beginning with my body and including the work, ideas, conceptions, even the … [people], all, all of them. It all seems to me so utterly … dull and nonexistent. Before, I used to find joy in a beautiful idea or a beautiful experience – all that is finished. I am in a state where nothing, absolutely nothing has any value except ONE SINGLE THING. (silence)<\/i> I could say something formidable … (Mother is about to speak, then restrains herself). <\/i>But it’s not true, it’s not like that. If I say it, it will become something else. It’s better to say nothing. But don’t let that discourage you. <\/p>\n Oh, you know, nothing is very encouraging, either!<\/i><\/p>\n No, but it’s obviously indispensable. <\/p>\n I feel that I’ve never been as low as I am now.<\/i><\/p>\n Low? No, you aren’t low – I see you too, among the things I am looking at, and it isn’t true. No, you are much better than you were! (Mother laughs)<\/i> (silence)<\/i> But you know, what seems to have gone is all this illusory enthusiasm we confuse with…. Sri Aurobindo speaks of it very often, and each time I read that sentence of his it’s like an icy shower (Mother laughs)<\/i>. I no longer know the exact wording, but he uses two words: illusory hopes … all the human illusory hopes. <\/i> Page 166<\/font><\/p>\n deliberately rejected it. ‘Yes,’ I said to myself, ‘we are always trying to cheer ourselves up with hopes….’ (Mother turns towards the tape recorder) <\/i>Don’t keep all that. It’s not worth it, don’t keep it. It’s quite useless. Take it out. This is merely a passing phase, that’s all. * (Just before leaving)<\/i> If I could remain quiet like this for hours on end, without letters, without … oh, without seeing people! Would it perhaps go more quickly? … I don’t know. <\/p>\n Why don’t you take a break for a while?<\/i><\/p>\n I can’t. <\/p>\n Take a real break for some time, and then….<\/i><\/p>\n It’s impossible. I can’t. Even two years ago, when I was really sick and took to my room for the first time, I couldn’t let the work go. I can’t do it. It’s not possible. <\/p>\n But surely there are things you could cut down?<\/i><\/p>\n Yes, if I could cut down a bit it would help. (long silence)<\/i> Ah, petit! … (Mother remains absorbed for a long time.)<\/i> On the 24th, how long will it be? … Forty-one years since I came here. And I haven’t moved since. It’s really strange: there is no space between that time and now. I don’t know how to explain it…. I have no feeling of time, none at all, none. (long silence)<\/i> I live in the constant feeling of PUSHING against a world of tremendous obstacles, with the certainty that – suddenly – the resistance will give way … and there will be enlightenment – no, far more than that! Page 167<\/font><\/p>\n That’s all. I have become only this (Mother slowly moves her arm forward with clenched fist, as if to show all her force tensed and pushing, inexorably pushing).<\/i> (Mother gets up)<\/i> All night long and whenever my attention is not being drawn away by something or other – and even then, it’s there as if behind a veil – I am nothing but a force that pushes. That’s what I have become. (silence)<\/i> Don’t worry. You definitely haven’t gotten worse. <\/p>\n Oh, I feel we are constantly betraying – betraying you.<\/i><\/p>\n Betraying? Oh … I also feel that I am betraying myself, so you see! … Actually it is because, without knowing it, you are becoming aware of the true Self, and that awareness always produces a sense of betrayal. But it’s neither ‘you’ nor 1′ nor ‘he’ nor anything other than THAT which is being betrayed. All that we are is a betrayal of That. This is what it is. And we are constantly pushing, pushing, pushing to go beyond. It’s all right. Don’t worry. When you are a little upset, you only have to think: Oh, Mother is here, and she will do the work. And don’t have any more toothaches. I don’t like you to have toothaches! (silence)<\/i> Good-bye, petit. Just be very, very quiet. Things are moving … that’s all. We are all moving.
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\nIt goes plunk! Well, all that has entirely gone. When I saw it I
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